Losing Sarah

2007-09-08T09:58:00.000-05:00

So it has been a long time since I wrote anything. Why, you ask? Because I am back in school and have never-ending schoolwork to do. I am not going to complain though because I am so glad to be back. I am holding A's in both of my classes. See, I take my classes online. I love it. I can still take care of my kids and get my degree. What more can a mother ask for.

The kids have started school again too. They are loving it. However, Dakota is having a hard time listening to his teachers and keeps acting up. The school is trying to pressure me to put him back on his medicines. I say NO!. Dakota has been off the medicine since school ended last year. This was the best summer we ever had with Dakota. He didn't have ups and downs, he wasn't temperamental, and he slept better. I do not want to give that up. They said Dakota is having a hard time staying focused on schoolwork. If I find this to be true and I know it is not intentional on Dakotas part, then I will try the patch. Until then, they will have to act like teachers and find a way to teach him.

Steve and I seem to get along more now. Not that we are acting like husband and wife much, just that we are civil to each other more often. I know some of our problems are my fault, but right now I don't really care. I mean, I just don't want to try to work them out because I know it will be one-sided. I know, that doesn't sound encouraging. What can I do though?

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.
Proverbs 12:15

I guess I would do well to really heed this verse. I always think I am right and everyone else is wrong. Oh, I don't think that intentionally, but I seem to always come to that conclusion. Well, I will have to work on it.

2007-08-04T15:12:00.000-05:00

Finally! I have gone back to the doctor and am in the process of getting fixed up. The doctor and I went through a lot of my symptoms too. He put me back on Levothyroxin for my thyroid condition. Let me tell you I am happy about taking the steps to get it under control.

I also started getting the birth control shot, Depo-Prevera. He was disgusted that no other doctor had put me on it since the main goal of any birth control for me would have been to stop my period, not control it. Hopefully, I won't have anymore bleeding, whatsoever. How much of a change that would be from bleeding non-stop for months, even over a year, to no bleeding at all. I can't wait.

Steve and I are getting along a bit better these days. Maybe it's because I am working towards my future, or maybe it's because I am feeling a bit better after seeing the doctor. Whatever it is, its a welcome peace.

I am really enjoying being back in school. I have started to get to know the other students in my class and am 1 week ahead on the work. I am just getting started on the week 3 work and we are still on the week 1 in class. I have made a pact with myself to stay ahead no matter what.

Anyhow, I will post back in a few days. Maybe sooner, if I have the time. Life is busy right now.

2007-07-23T18:19:00.000-05:00

Yep, I did it again. I got myself back into school. I am going for my associate of arts in Information Technology/Visual Communication at Axia College of University of Phoenix Online. I love that you can get your degree online, making it more accessible to people who don't have the time or resources to physically go to school. I officially start class on July 30th 2007 but have been able to access my course Syllabus.

After downloading the materials and organizing my notebook I quickly realized we had papers and projects due the 1st week. As a result, I have already started reading the material and will be jotting down ideas and notes.

I have a little confession. I am already terrified about the final project due at the end of the course. Do you wonder why? The project has to be a presentation done in Microsoft PowerPoint. I have never used the program much less made a presentation in it. I will make sure to discuss this with my instructor as well as do some tutorials.

I will have 2 classes each semester to complete. My first classes are Contemporary Business Communication and Skills for Learning in an Information Age. Writing. Why does it have to be about writing? Honestly, writing and math are my weak points. I know whats in my head, but seem to have a hard time getting it on paper (or the computer) as I intend. Drives me nuts. Therefore, I have made it a mission to be very organized.

Organized how? Well, I have started learning to use Microsoft Office OneNote to keep classes and information organized as well as take notes in. I have bought a little notepad to keep with me for any of those ideas I hope to have. Furthermore, I have told the kids that if they disturb me during my studying times I will hang them by their little toes and play with their toys in front of them. Of course they just laughed at me and called me a liar. Heathens, the lot of 'em.

To sum it up, I am about to be a very busy woman. I will keep you all posted weekly, if not daily (to practice writing) of my new adventures of online college life.

2007-07-16T17:17:00.000-05:00

I HATE HIM! I can't fucking help it. I am his wife, not his damn mother. Here it is a hour before he has to leave to go to work and the bitch is still sleeping. I keep trying to get him up and what does he do? He tells me to leave him alone, and shutup. I hate the bastard so much that I am suffering.

Because I hate the idiot so bad I am more depressed, tense and mean. I don't know what to do though. I can't leave, yet. My thoughts are consumed with hate for Steve. I am constantly thinking about my hate and feeling my hate for him. I need to get my health back in order, get a job and divorce the bastard. He isn't worth what it is costing me.

2007-07-15T20:25:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had an epiphany? I did today. I realized what was going on with me in more detail. Let me ask you something. What do you do when your tired? One of two things right? Me, I either go to sleep or eat something. Now think about it. I already have this thyroid condition which makes me gain weight and makes me tired. So here I am so awful tired. However, since Steve refuses to stay awake and help me with the boys, whats left? I EAT! I eat to try to get more energy, even though it doesn't really work. Since I can't sleep and I am always low on energy the only thing left to do is eat. Afterwards, I end up hating myself because my goal is to lose weight and get healthy. What a cycle. Thankfully, Steve's health insurance is kicking in and I can get back on synthroid.

Are you wondering if Steve and I are getting along any better? Sometimes, it seems we can be civil to each other. Maybe I have just gotten to a point that I cease to care, or maybe it's that I just don't have the energy to care right now. Don't get me wrong, Steve still does things for us, like keep a job so I can stay home with the kids, buys me things for my laptop and keeps us all clothed. He just doesn't act like a husband or father. Do you think I should just suck it up and be greatful for what I got? I am greatful. I just want the emotional connection. I want to feel like I'm married. Maybe once I start feeling a bit better I can think on this more.

I have been working towards my ultimate goal. I have been concentrating, as much as I can since I'm so damn tired, on learning CSS and flash. I love it. For some reason, I love CSS. Talk about making things so much easier. I never really thought I would like any type of coding, but I like CSS. Go figure! As for flash, WOW! I have been learning by using the Flash CS3 Professional Essential Training from Lynda.com The video tutorials seems to help me a lot. I would recommend them to anyone.

Thanks for reading my ranting again. Hopefully I make sense. I am so tired these days I feel more delirious than anything. Here's hoping I get this all worked out soon.

2007-07-06T12:40:00.000-05:00

When will summer end. It's driving me nuts. Actually, the kids have been doing real good this summer. Dakota has been surprisingly calm, for him. I love my babies, and am very proud of them. And Dakota hasn't even had his medicine all summer. In a way, I think that medicine is bad news. You see, Dakota uses the medicine as an excuse to act up. At least that's the way I see it, because when he's in school and as happened medicine he accept even more and will even tell the teachers I haven't had my medicine. Sounds more like a kid who knows what he's doing, doesn't it?

I'm still having marital problems. I've asked Steve a few times, if he thought we would make it. He would tell me "I don't know." And then would walk off. How am I supposed to take that? You know what's worse? Knowing in your head how it should be, that you should have a good family life, how you should interact with your kids, your husband, your wife and so on, but when you look around yourself, you see the total opposite. You look around and hate yourself and think you're the worst mother or the worst wife or the worst whatever and wonder if there's any way in hell that you're worth anything. That's the worst. Questioning yourself like that when it used to be you never did. You start remembering the person you used to be, the strong, sure of yourself person. When you feel that, that's when the resentments starts. That makes you question yourself even more, who do you resent, yourself or them. And if them, doesn't that make you worse? You see? It's a never ending cycle. I know I am not the only one to be in it either.

On the plus side of things. I am learning a lot more about CSS, HTML and Flash. I am having a blast with it all too. I can't wait to get good enough that I can start making money at it.

2007-06-26T15:59:00.000-05:00

Today is not so good. A few days ago, I woke up an felt like I had hair wrapped around the hanging thing in the back of my throat. I figured no problem the feeling would just go away. It didn't!

Yesterday I started feeling like I had something stuck in my throat. Out of reaction I gaged a few times, got sick a few times and even reached in my mouth to try to dislodge it. It is only getting worse. Anyhow, I went to the doctor, even though I can't afford it. Even the doctor was a bit shocked when I opened my mouth and she could clearly see this lump without the light. She said more than likely I will have to have it removed. The doctor wants me to see an Ear, Nose, Throat Specialist. No problem right? Wrong! I can't afford it! I don't have any medical insurance and can't afford that either.

So what do I have left? Right now the only thing I can do is take anti-inflammatory's and get used to it. Do you wonder how I handled that? I cried. This lump is annoying as hell as it is right there by my hangy thing. It makes me feel sick, itches, stings and just knowing it's their makes me want to gag.

Steve isn't much help. He doesn't seem to really care. Or at least enough to feel any sympathy that I have to just "deal" with this. Really though, can I expect anything more from him? He made iced tea and went back to bed since he has to work tonight. However, I'm strong. I can and will handle this. Even if it makes me cry a few times.

On top of all this, I have the boys to raise. I don't want to talk as it agitates the lump. I don't have a choice though. My kids need instruction and all that. Why can't I lay down and go to sleep for awhile? I hate that Steve has that choice, and I don't. Why do fathers get to choose and not moms? Of course I know thats not how it always is. Sadly, thats how it is in my home.

2007-06-24T11:51:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when you have every intention of changing something, the worst can happen? Your probably thinking, "What are you talking about?". I am talking about cravings. Those damn cravings came out of nowhere the minute I said to myself "Sarah, your going to watch what you eat." What am I craving? Potatoes! Pasta! Any damn thing thats a carb is screamin' "Come eat me!" Now your asking yourself "Well, have you resisted the screaming food?" Sadly, the answer is NO! I suck! However, I do think I am doing better.

In other news, I am really getting into learning digital art and web design. I have started these free html classes at WebTech University. They are easy and fun. I recommend to anyone who doesn't know any of the basics to go there. I am getting ready to start their Frames class. I have a specific goal in mind to have my own home business in web/graphics design. As you can probably tell I am putting what I have learned so far to use here on my blog. My posts are looking much better.

I bet your wondering about my marriage? Things have not changed much there. I am not sure I even want to try to get along with Steve anymore. You get to a point where you don't really care one way or the other. I have tried to be what he wants me to be, what I thought I should be and who I really am, at least at times. Now I am just being me. Unfortunately for Steve, I am a very strong, opinionated woman who isn't in the least afraid to take charge. Simply put, I am too strong a personality for Steve. Sadly, I think I knew that all along and didn't want to admit it. My oops. Now the question is can we survive this intact, or will the marriage fall? I guess we just have to wait and see.

The kids are driving me insane to add to all this. They aren't wanting to listen to me very well, fight like crazy and thing that their 2 year old brother is more a toy than a baby brother. On the upside of that River loves being the toy. Go figure. How do you teach the older kids not to use the younger siblings as toys when the younger siblings are encouraging it? Sheesh! The problems of parenting.

I'll be back soon with more news of my boring life. And who knows, maybe things will show signs of getting better.

2007-06-20T10:31:00.000-05:00

Today I made it back to the gym. I am so proud of myself. However, I feel like my original trainer doesn't think I'm worth her time. I said hi to her and smiled at her today and she just walked on past as if I wasn't even there. What the hell?

I know I have had a hard time getting there latley, but I have a strained home life. Steve still sleeps all day long and when he is awake I don't trust him to stay awake to watch the boys. I don't have a babysitter as I wouldn't be able to afford one and I don't have any friends to help. So exuse the hell out me if I can't make it to the gym on a regular basis. I want to. On man, I really want to. However, I have no choice at all but to put the kids first. I don't have any help with them!

Dont get me wrong, Steve does come through sometimes, but only sometimes. So please, before anyone judges me take a real look at my life. I did tell Steve that no matter what I was going to start working out and he had better stay awake and watch the kids. We will have to wait and see how that works out.

I tell you all, I have so much stress that it's affecting my weight. I have started gaining it back, most of it is back on. I asked another of the trainers to give me a program to work my way up to running. So hopefully I can start that next week. You see, I can do that while I'm with the kids at the park.

Anyhoo, thanks for reading my ranting. You know, blogging really does calm you down a bit. I feel better already. Thanks!

2007-06-02T23:11:00.000-05:00

For the last two weeks I have been suffering from bad allergies. It's driving me nuts now. I haven't gone to the gym and I keep using the allergies as an excuse. Really, do you think it is a good excuse? I don't! So starting Monday I will NOT make anymore excuses and get my fat butt to the gym.
Things here are settling into the summer routine. At least as much as they can when you have three sons and one of them is ADHD. However, I do think this summer might just be good. Dakota has been able to stay calm most of the time which is a really blessing I tell you. One problem I do see though is Declans penchant for wanting to annoy the hell out of Dakota. I've been working on it with him but Declan enjoys it so much he can't seem to stop. Go figure! I wonder where these kids get it?
My marriage isn't doing to good though. I hate my husband more and more and am accidentally teaching the kids to disrespect him too. I don't mean to teach the kids that but most of the time all I have to do is look at Steve and I feel total hatred for him, which drives me to be a bitch to him. Do you wander why I am starting to hate him? There are too many reasons to go through. However one of the main reasons is that I feel more like a single mother than I do a wife with children. That and he doesn't make me feel...wanted. Like he wants me and needs me. I feel like we are more roommates than anything. It hurts. Yes, I have talked to him about these things before, it doesn't work for long. Sure, he'll make an effort to change a bit for a few days, maybe a week but then it's back to the same things. Oh, we also fight over his sleeping habits. He works the graveyard shift now so he sleeps during the day. I know, your thinking to yourself "Sounds reasonable." but Steve will sleep ALL day. He works ten hour nights. That leaves 14 hours left in the day. You only need eight to nine hours sleep, right? Steve doesn't seem to think so.
Anyway, thanks for reading all my bitching and moaning. Maybe things will get better soon.

2007-05-29T21:12:00.000-05:00

Okay, my diet has typically gone south in the last month. There have been so many changes in the way things are at home. First, the company my husband worked at laid everyone off and closed down. So that put us in a bit of a hard spot. Sure, financially we were quite a bit ahead, but sometimes it takes awhile to find a good job. Luckily, Steve found a good job. However, he works the 3rd shift. That threw the family off. We are still trying to get used to it.
Second, my heart has been acting up again. Apparently the surgery didn’t work. I tell you, this SVT is getting on my last nerve. Sadly, I started getting a bit depressed. My life was hell when this SVT was in full force. I couldn’t do anything without my heart speeding up and my breath leaving me. Not to mention the pain. I hope like crazy it doesn’t get that bad again.
Third, School is now out for the summer. Now I have to figure out gym time and my kids together. I am done making excuses though. I will find a way to exercise everyday no matter what, even if it is only walking a few blocks.
So you will be seeing me more now. I WILL be telling you all about my journey to lose most of me. Lucky You!

2007-04-02T21:39:00.000-05:00

After being in total pain all weekend I went back to the gym. Here I thought it was going to kill me. Guess what? It didn’t. I feel great. Sure, it hurt. However, lifting the weights seemed to help my overall pain level. I also found that I really do feel better about me even though I’ve only done this twice. I think that’s because I know I am doing something about it.
My trainer has me lifting plenty of weights and doing lots of ab work. I am happy over all with it. I seem to have the most trouble with my upper body, but I think that is normal though. I lift between 8 to 75 lbs. depending on the exercise. I have no doubt that I will steadily work my way up.
On to my next problem! I am backsliding on my eating habits. I don’t eat all day or snack all day. However, during meals I seem to eat way too much. It’s like I can’t tell when to stop. I’m going nuts. My first step to getting control of this is to start keeping a food journal. That is going to take some serious concentration as I am not in the habit. Hopefully I will be soon.

2007-03-31T20:55:00.000-05:00

Today was my first “real” workout at a real gym and with a real Personal Trainer. I feel great! Well, maybe not completely. Mentally I feel awesome; physically I feel more like jello gone bad. My muscles hurt, burn and are shaky. I am still glad I did it though.
Wednesday I went it and the personal trainer tested me. Here are my beginning stats:
• Total Body Fat Testing: 32.0%
• Body Circumference:
o Triceps: 14 ¾
o Chest: 52 ¾
o Waist: 50
o Gluts: 49
o Thighs: L ~ 23 ½ R ~ 24 ¼
• Cardio Endurance:
o Step Test Heart Rate: 110 ~ Fitness Level: Above Average
• Muscular Endurance:
o Push-up Test (Modified): 6 ~ Fitness Level: Poor
o Sit-up Test: 37 ~ Fitness Level: Good
• Flexibility:
o Sit & Reach: 3+ ~ Fitness Level: Excellent
• 1 Max Rep:
o Bench Press: 115
o Leg Extension: 100
o Leg Curl: 90
o Biceps: 25
o Triceps: 60
Truthfully, I am proud of most of my stats. Even the personal trainers complimented me saying my “strength is very good for my first time.” That made me feel good. I was told I will do strength training on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I will also be doing cardio on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I can’t wait!